Sea Rat Sacrament | Below Deck Down Under S4 E1

Hi. Hello, and welcome to another brand spanking new episode of Bad TV. I’m Dylan. That’s Pat.
>> Permission to come aboard.
>> Kaylin is grant.
>> Kayn is granted.
>> Hello.
>> Hello.
>> Um, a new season is upon us.
>> Very excited.
>> Kaylin, do we sound excited?
>> So excited.
>> I think we’re pretty excited.
Um, we kicked this this season off with, you know, it was it was an interest I bit my tongue. [laughter] >> It was an interesting one to recap. It wasn’t a bad bite, but it was one of those, you know, it’ll stop the sentence straight in its track.
>> Uhoh.
>> The bite was bad, but the episode was good.
>> No, the bite wasn’t bad. The episode was good though, but there’s a little bit of a slight challenge wherein um we’ve seen this before. This is a bit like Momento. Okay. We’ve been through this journey before. We’ve seen the water thrown. We’ve seen the glasses thrown and stuff like that. So, >> are you referring to the Salt Lake City crossover?
>> Yes.
>> They blow right through that. I’m glad that was episode one. I don’t need to see that again.
>> Right.
>> I thought you were referring to Seat’s work on these boats.
>> Oh, well, for sure that. I mean, that’s Groundhog’s Day. Is it Groundhog Day or Groundhog’s Day? Does it belong to the groundhog or is it just called Groundhog Day? I >> You have him looking that up right now.
>> Well, I was actually asking you.
>> How should I know?
>> Cuz you’re a child of that that [snorts] time.
>> Groundhog Day.
>> Groundhog Day.
What if somebody just kicked it when it when it popped its head out? You know, [laughter] >> completely ruined the ceremony.
>> It would never come out again.
>> You got that guy in the monle. Yeah, I wouldn’t come out either. I’d be like, I’m I don’t trust you guys. I’m not going to tell you how long winter is.
And quite frankly, why do you need me? You have all these satellites. You have all these these people.
>> It’s called technology, people.
>> Yeah. I mean, what are we doing?
We have to get into this episode, but if you want to hear us recap um any of the Salt Lake City happenings and the goings on there, go to patreon.com/ >> more importantly, Traders.
>> Well, hang on a second. We covered the whole Salt Lake City season at patreon.com/nother podcast network. So, if you want to listen to that, go there.
And yes, more importantly, Traders is at Patreon as well. All we did the first half of the season on this feed and the second half is uh is back in the comfort of you know our own home, right? We can say what we want. We can mean what we mean and we can really let our [ __ ] freak flag fly. So go over there, donate a little or a little bit more. Uh Pat, thoughts, pots on this episode?
>> Okay. I’m going to start off with the negative first and there is very few negative thoughts, mostly positive.
>> Okay.
>> Okay. Uh, we are not.
>> Do you want to start with one positive and then go into the negative?
>> Okay. Okay. Go.
>> We are not down under.
>> We’re not down under.
>> No, we’re in like a a tropical Narnia.
>> I have no We’re in the middle of somewhere. Yeah. Okay. I don’t even think it has a zip code. I think you can kill people there and get away with it for sure.
>> Okay. But I love how Captain Hot Pants gets away with this. He says, you know, down under is a state of mind. Nice try.
Uh, >> well, he says it’s it’s where I am, [clears throat] >> right? Then ditch the [ __ ] name.
Okay. Uh, I want Australian porn stars in Australia. Okay. If I want fake Fidian millionaires, I’ll watch Below Deck OG.
>> Can we go back for a second? You want Australian porn stars in Australia?
>> I want Australian entertainers because we’re not in Australia. How are we going to get Australian guests? I watch Below Deck to get Australian guests.
We’re not going to get a bunch of Australian guests down and >> Okay. Okay.
>> Okay. I always say >> Kayen, are you hung up on the porn star thing?
>> Yeah, because in past seasons we always have a group of Australian porn stars.
>> Oh, I thought so fun.
>> I thought you were talking about if you were embibing in the pornographic arts and you found out that they were filming in a different location, but they were using an Aussie, you’d be like, absolutely not. Okay, but with that now you’ve prompted me to bring this up and it is tasteless. I always say that Australia is America’s [ __ ] little sister. Now some people that is that by no means is an insult. That is in fact a compliment.
>> Australians and I’ve got to know them pretty well when I worked at that tour company that I owned. Their summer is our winter. So I spent Christmases with these Aussies. They are so much fun.
They’re the dudes are way cooler. The chicks are >> in a state of mind.
>> Yeah. Yeah, the men and the women, all the all the Australians are [ __ ] >> in a state of mind and they’re not going to be on these vacations on this season and I’m pissed.
>> Yeah, >> that’s my one negative note.
>> Yeah.
>> Okay. I love this episode. This is going to be a great season. I wish the galleys on the other boats were this big because >> the dynamic of the the the sue sue chef and and and and a cook is just an added drama that we’d never experienced before. And by the way, uh Alicia, we’re going to we’re going to talk about you quite a bit this episode. Uh somewhere somewhere uh Chef Serena is sitting with her feet up on a couch with a glass of wine watching this episode and just [ __ ] enjoying.
>> Can I tell you something? Alicia is young. Um and her mother sounds um >> uh her mother sounds unsupportive.
>> But if I’m a young if I’m a young woman, you know, and I have a choice between culinary school and a ski trip, [snorts] are you kidding me? I’m hitting the slopes. But what you’ll learn is that those decisions will cause almost insurmountable bouts of anxiety. So, you know, lesson learned. That’s a good thing about life.
>> All right. This is going to I swear to God, this is going to be the longest not.
>> Oh, yeah. We’re not going to even recap the show.
>> Okay. Now, Ben is a huge pain in the ass, and we’ll get into that. But one thing that he did touch on towards the end of this uh episode because it occurred to him later in the episode, the word passion.
>> Passion. Yeah. has quite a lot of range >> of course.
>> So when a young ling comes into your uh galley and says you know what I have a lot of passion >> for cooking he thought that meant that well that might involve having a skill set for cooking. [clears throat] >> Now I think with Alicia and and we’ll obviously we’ll get into it but like I remember at the back half of last season she was growing incompetence. I think it’s just Muzzy, you know, the the mean mom and the ski trip. There’s just a bout of self-doubt right now. And then you’ve got the Bance from this [ __ ] face who like, hey buddy, like it’s hard to know that someone’s going through something like this. But also like come on, you you just spent 50 grand on a wedding, right? You you can you could be a little softer, right?
>> He walked out on his own. The runaway bride.
>> Oh, did he walk out on it?
>> Yeah, that’s what he said. He’s bragging about that. Well, I was going to throw in a a crowbar, a dumb joke in here, Dylan, as I do. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, passion, it has a lot of range. And you and I always joked, you got to look out for these words with wide range. We love the uh the word or compound word free spirit >> has a huge definition range there. It could on a dating profile for a girl could mean she likes to uh travel a lot or it could mean into gang bangs, >> right? Yeah.
>> Watch out there, kids.
>> Thank you for crowbaring that into the show.
>> All right. Love the episode. It’s going to be amazing season. I’ve been tipped off. I’m going to give it 48 knots.
>> 48 knots is a very low score. So, um I thought it was a really fun episode. It was good to meet everybody. Um I’m kind of sad that uh [sighs] that we lost one so early.
>> I am too. She was cute. She looked like my ex Andrea.
>> That’s >> You were going to say that.
>> I was going to say that.
>> Yeah, >> I was going to say that.
God. Andrea. Huh.
>> Mhm.
Okay. Um, so what did I think of the episode? The things that I just said, and I’ll give it uh the same score, 48 pots. So, you know, we’re going to be recapping traders in a minute.
Um, the episode really kicks off with the pomp and circumstance of Peacocks, the traders.
>> Wow. A little round table here.
>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
>> Would you mind if I kind of kick this off? Hey, hey, I would love nothing more.
>> Let me set the table. Yeah. Captain Jason in a very serious Tony. He reflects on the last season >> and lets us know that can never happen again.
>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
>> Okay. Because he had an environment filled with toxicity, Dylan. It had unwelcome advances, verbal abuse. Oh, and don’t forget that sexual assault.
>> Yeah. And this year, the first step forward to combat that >> is to hire Daisy [laughter] >> or and and Jow and Ben.
>> Yeah. Yeah.
>> Basically, you know what this is is uh a bit of a Pandora’s box that we’ve opened with this. Um it’s a it’s a a fool’s errand, a wild goose chase. Um telling sea rats to not be toxic is a little bit like trying to reason with a goat that keeps ramming you in the thigh. There’s just it’s not going to take.
>> Ah, yeah. Well, especially since you were a participant [laughter] in how your version of this show tanked and was removed from air. Uh, not only was your boat involved in all of these same activities, but you were having sex with the main perpetrator of all of them.
>> Wait, wait, wait.
>> I’m speaking of Daisy having sex with Gary.
>> Oh, got it.
>> I believe he’s still under investigation.
>> Well, okay. Listen, >> by the way, poor uh Captain Glenn, why did he get his show taken away? You jerks. You jerks.
>> Honestly, that show was so It was such a phenomenal iteration.
And then they started thinking that they were more than Serats. They started thinking that they were in this Young and the Restless at Sea kind of thing.
and the triangle of Daisy Colin and uh Gary, it just it torpedoed the show.
>> It sucked the air out of the show.
>> And you’re right, the ultimate victim, you know, ironically, one that had claimed so many victims before they’ picked up cameras was the murder of horrors Captain Glenn, you know, and and it’s just sad.
>> It it re it really is sad. Now sad. Now, I’m going to give Daisy, cuz I think she is a good person at heart, another chance here. But I’m watching the trailer and she’s up to old tricks again. Okay. You You weren’t going to torpedo this version there, dear. You are not. Okay.
>> Did you just bust out a Tom like?
>> Yes, I did, dear. I don’t want to see it, dear.
>> Okay.
>> Um >> Oh, and lastly, to combat uh some other drama, he’s hired the most egotistical, self arandizing douchebag in the kitchen. Yeah. He at one point, Dylan, we uh recapped his first season on this show. He called uh one of his co-workers a trailer trash prostitute. Now, to be fair to him, >> sounds like us.
>> To [laughter] be fair to him, he was right on the money.
>> Yeah, right.
>> Uh but it’s rude nonetheless. So, uh and then Jawah, as you pointed out, has his own baggage.
>> Oh, yeah. I mean, probably more than anybody. And uh it’s important to remember that uh while we are saying that Jason’s kind of specifician task that he set out um on while it’s impossible there are marginal improvements that can be made because last season if you’ll remember we had a South African that sexually assaulted somebody and a Greek that broke his hand on the cabinets. So the that’s like that’s a two. We can get to a four.
I’m looking forward to it. So, um, Ben, Jouah, and Daisy are going to be brought in because they’re the most seasoned pros of the franchise. As we’ve kind of beat the horse dead, though, it’s important to remember that regardless of legacy, regardless of experience, everyone’s here is still a Cat and they’re going to do Srat [ __ ] Now, we get back to this fish tank. I mean, I’m excited to hear your thoughts on the fish tank returning to the show. Well, he uh I guess he named all the fish in the tank after his uh his crew.
>> Oh, good one.
>> And and and >> Oh, by the way, in the world of fish, I can tell you this. [laughter] You never name the fish cuz they will die.
>> Well, my thing was that what what a a tormentative and sick jigsaw like thing to do to these creatures that are already struggling with one, lifespan, and two, memory. So, they’ve been named these other people.
They’re just trying to get a grip on where they are in this universe. Maybe they’re starting to get there and he changes their name.
>> Oh, well, Dyl, you’re also missing the main story. Look out, Peter. That tank is way too small for that many fish.
Okay. [laughter] Okay.
>> Okay. So, um, in the Caribbean, we are.
We are not in Australia. It is, uh, Camals and it doesn’t exist, right? You know, this show is taking place in the Twilight Zone.
>> Can I talk about Ben because we get some background on him. I haven’t seen this idiot for a while. Okay. Okay. Ben gives us some background on how he ended up back on this show, which I’m sure he loves.
>> It’s very vague at first. He’s like, “Yeah, I needed a I needed a change.” >> Oh, yeah. Well, he says, and I quote, “Because the stars aligned, and I guess that means his revenue aligned with bankruptcy.” [laughter] >> Well, I don’t know.
>> Allegedly. Allegedly. So, he begged Andy for his job back. uh the econom.
>> And Ben, we’re we’re we’re so open to having you on the show.
>> Ben, for the record, we’d love to have you on.
>> We’d love to have you on. Although we’ve asked 14 times and you’ve never responded.
>> Oh, really?
>> Oh, yeah.
>> Oh, well, see, you know what? I’m I’m so glad that you’re in charge of the DM because, you know, I mean, whatever.
>> Yeah. No, I look, [clears throat] no, I believe.
>> Don’t keep putting yourself out there to see rats. It’s very unbecoming. Well, you know, it was in the early days of us getting started and I thought those interviews would really grow the audience, you know. No, but Ben, I’m not kidding. I know that your uh catering business probably [ __ ] the bed. I talked to my [laughter] mom. She’s a avid uh Fox News uh viewer. She says that commie over there in New York is really running out of the business out of there. Oh, really?
>> That’s what she said. Yeah. So, anyway, I don’t I I feel for you.
>> Yeah. Your mom’s probably got a nuanced opinion on the matter, though. So, of course, [laughter] that’s probably what’s going on.
>> Yeah, that’s what she [ __ ] communist running all the [ __ ] business out of there. [snorts and laughter] >> He’s got he’s got pedophiles teaching children.
[laughter] >> He’s from the He’s from the [ __ ] Congo or something.
>> Yeah, that’s what she said. [laughter] >> Okay. So, yes, uh Ben’s not doing well >> in his personal life. And you know, I’m happy for anybody that kind of takes the life rang their throne.
>> Oh, yeah. you know, >> especially having to take a few steps backward.
>> All the power to you. You know, Daisy is ready for a clean slate. She had a tough time on Parcel as we mentioned, but she’s got a bob now.
>> She has a bob now.
>> Yeah. New haircut and a little shade to her former boat. Oh, yeah. Who wants to work on a small boat where knife racks fly off the shelf and bludgeon you? Uh, it was fine till you got fired.
>> Well, okay. So, the rest of the seats arrived. Mike is a Hey, Kaylin, are we being a little too hard? I think we should cool this.
>> Am I Am I hot?
>> I I think we’re a little I think we’re a little hot right now.
>> We might We [laughter] >> I know.
>> Yeah, I think we’re a little too hot.
>> I’m going to be nicer. I’m going to be nicer. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry.
>> Let’s talk about Mike the Deck guy.
>> Yeah.
>> All right. He arrives first. Obviously, his hair is a distraction. Uh I’m going to get to know him before I make up childish names for his ridiculous hair.
Maybe I’ll just call him ridiculous hair. [laughter] >> Yeah, let’s go with that to begin with.
Um Cuz >> see, wasn’t that nicer?
>> Yeah.
>> Lego head.
>> You should have seen what I wanted to say.
>> Lego head wouldn’t work because there’s an odd kind of like there’s a volume to it. It’s not like completely like plastered. It’s It’s one of the most confusing hairstyles I’ve ever seen.
>> It is. [laughter] Yeah. Yeah.
>> It’s like a a mothball was like flowing down the street like starting to like pick up other like hair that was on the like the road and then it just glued to his head as he >> Yeah. His hair. if we can go back to fish and kind of do like a Finding Nemo kind of thing. Like his hair reminds me of like the turtles in the jetream. So there’s a bunch of like odd hairds, right? And they’re all floating and then, you know, one’s just like, “See you guys later. I found one.” And then it just lands on his head, you know?
Isn’t it? Doesn’t it like You know what?
>> And then we boycott hair.
>> You know what I am? I think too high because Hey, that didn’t make any sense.
[laughter] I mean, wow.
I just love those turtles so much. I wanted to try to reach to compare them to something. You know what I mean? Uh, okay. So, Jason, but the big thing about Mike and uh and he’s lovely. He’s got a great attitude to start. Um, >> he’s going to be split pe.
>> Yeah.
>> And I think right away Daisy is up to her old tricks. Now, I’m a little wary of Daisy. I I’m not the biggest fan of how she manages and >> Oh, you don’t you don’t [laughter] you remember that time she was smoking a cigarette talking to her sister for 10 minutes on the phone while one of the charter guests had broken his nose and was bleeding out?
>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
>> She got to him eventually, but I think [laughter] >> Well, I mean, you know, 10 minutes is not going to make a difference. It’s a broken nose. Let me have my sig. Sigs are important to cigarettes. They’ll go nuts without them. Uh no, no, no, they are. And we’ve talked about it before.
Seats and Malaysian children are some of the only people that are keeping the tobacco industry afloat right now because everybody’s going to Chinese vapes andor Swedishnew, but it’s Malaysian children and creates.
But I heard Gen Z is starting to smoke again. Evidently, it’s cool.
>> Wow.
>> Um, yeah, they’re boofing camel lights.
[laughter] Okay.
[ __ ] [ __ ] All right.
>> Let me help out.
>> No. No, no, no. I got it. I got it. I got it. One of the things that I I could never really stand about Daisy was this um interior placed above everything kind of attitude. And you know, it was always like, why are you guys not doing anything? Why are you not helping us?
You know, regardless of what the deck team was going through. and she it’s soft but and this may be paranoid, you know, defensiveness, but she’s like, “So, how are we going to handle the uh the split between Mike?” And to me, I’m like, you know, Daisy’s going to want him >> [ __ ] all the [ __ ] time. She’s just going to try to monopolize him. I feel like I’ve seen it before, but anyways, >> it will happen.
>> It will happen.
>> J, he tells us why he’s here, and it’s something about learning a lot from Jason and wanting to learn. Uh, I’ll be uh Joel’s truth detector. Okay.
>> There’s cameras here.
>> What do you mean?
>> Well, that’s why he’s here.
>> Oh. Oh, yeah.
>> That’s why he’s here.
>> Oh, god. The truth.
>> You’re that fat guy with a mustache in all the Vanity Fair uh YouTube videos.
>> Yeah. Yeah.
>> Come here. Uh she’s telling the truth.
>> Does he have that weird voice?
>> I don’t know. I think he sounds pretty normal and not like he has a sto.
[laughter] >> Sorry. It’s okay. Um let’s meet the other kids. We’ve got Jenna. We’ve got Joe. Um, it turns out that the escape that Ben needed was because of a $50,000 wedding that didn’t happen. Um, but he’s inspired. So, he’s also super [ __ ] horny. These women walk on the boat and him and Jo are like sixyear-olds again, you know? It’s like, whoa, aren’t you guys like 43? So, let’s get to Jenna, who sounds like she’s from Mars. Um, is this Jenna?
>> This is Jenna.
>> Okay. Um, Jenna has expensive tastes, but she also scrubs toilets.
And she says that being around wealthy people will kind of rub off on you through osmosis.
And while there’s some truth to you should surround yourself with impressive people, um I think you’re more likely to be taken out with a a ser a gun with a serial number that’s been scrubbed off.
If you’re around people that are chartering like really expensive yacht, they’re not going to pull the ladder up with you. You know, they’re [laughter] they’re Russian uh oil magnates and stuff like that. I I will say this. She could end up uh getting a job at an oligarch’s house. Sure. And then maybe having an affair.
>> I know that’s the thing though. You you always want and if I could just if I could give one piece of advice, if an oligarch offers you a position inside the opera, you have to say no.
Things get very messy. You could fall in love and die. You could find something out and die. You know, look at Obama chef. I mean, these are extremely dangerous positions. Okay. I mean, >> the guy feared water and next thing you know, he’s like uh [laughter] what? Surfboarding.
>> Yeah. He’s like on a waz he’s got a boogie board underneath it, but he’s freaking dead. And like, you know, it’s just crazy stuff. So, anyways, just don’t >> uh All right, next up. But two, uh the Virgin I >> and we love the Obamas. We >> of [laughter] course I would have voted for him three times if I could.
>> Yeah. I mean, it’s crazy. Yeah. And if you hate them, >> we do too. We I don’t know about hate, but I can’t stand it.
>> Me neither, man. What he did to the economy. Oh my god.
>> Oh my god. The economy. How about those drone strikes?
>> Jesus.
>> It’s crazy. I get it.
>> Wow.
>> Yeah.
>> Batu. What an interesting name. Also, a world at Disneyland.
>> Oh, it’s not Batu.
>> Oh, [laughter] >> no. That’s not her name cuz she’s not from Star Wars.
>> Uh, okay. So, let’s move on to our dear Alicia. Oh yes, the Sue is back.
>> Yes. Uh the young woman who is going to get the [ __ ] beat out of her by Ben. Uh Jason says, “Keep the sassy banter going and everything will be fine.” And I think that what Jason didn’t realize is actually that is the thing that is going to uh I just plunge the galley into oblivion because Ben is listen even if you had a tough spine and love to talk [ __ ] The way he talks [ __ ] is just so cutting and [ __ ] mean. But to be fair to him, Alicia’s Alicia is still at oprey right now. Okay. She’s got to, you know, dust the cobwebs out a little bit because I, you know, if I looked at those cucumbers, I would have asked the same question. Did you cut those with a hammer?
>> Okay. I feel like he’s dealing with kid gloves. I worked in a kitchen and they were cruer to me and I was like 14.
>> Oh, yeah. Well, real kitchens violence occurs.
>> Exactly. Well, I want to say this and you pointed this out. After last season, she had all the ambition in the world and had planned on going to culinary school, but you know, ski trip >> and that was uh you know, that’s when she just said, “Fuck it.” Um and uh it’s like she got designed in a serat lab.
>> Yeah. Well, I mean, listen um who wants to to to work on sauces for three weeks when you can freaking hit the slopes and have crazy sex and have hot chocolate for a while, you know? Like that sounds so much better.
>> Exactly.
>> God, I haven’t been skiing in so long. I really miss it. I don’t you?
>> No, I hate skiing. It’s cold. [laughter] >> When was the last time you went to do snow? No. Snow sports? Like a like a ski? Maybe a snowboard?
>> Uh, I was pressured into it. Um >> Uhhuh.
>> 30 years ago.
>> 30 years ago.
>> Yeah.
You wouldn’t go. What if the trip was completely paid for?
>> Nice lodging. Nice lodging. Ski passes paid for. That’s like $750.
>> I’ll go for my kids now, but I just for me on a personal level, I hate it.
>> Would you Would you actually >> Why does someone want to be cold?
[laughter] >> Why?
>> Because it feels good.
>> No.
>> What? Would you actually ski though?
>> No.
>> So, you would just sit in the the cabin and just >> I’ll drink hot chocolate.
>> You’ll just drink hot chocolate. Uh-huh.
>> I don’t understand why humans want to be cold.
>> We can migrate to warm places.
>> All right. [laughter] >> Go, by the way, go visit places where people are cold. They’re miserable.
>> No, that’s not true.
>> It is.
>> No, it’s not.
>> Go. I’ll tell you what, >> Pat. The Scandinavian countries are the happiest countries on planet Earth.
>> Oh, no. No, they’re not. They have the highest suicide rates on the planet.
>> That’s because they have euthanasia programs, but they’re the happiest people.
>> Go to [ __ ] Russia. Have you ever seen a >> Russia is different? No. No. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. They’ve been under the thumb of crony communism for I mean such a long time. You know, in fact, I think that the life expectancy of men is a decade younger than the rest of the developed world because of vodka and pain.
>> I’ll tell Well, why do they look is the chicken or the egg? I’m telling you, above the equator, miser misery. Below the equator, everyone’s shaking their asses. Hot bodies. Well, well, I mean, there are also people like, you know, getting their hands chopped off in fllas. I mean, >> there’s no perfect place, Dylan.
[laughter] >> Okay.
>> My god, there’s no utopia, okay? It’s just warm and cold.
>> I can’t believe you wouldn’t ski. I mean, it’s one of the coolest things.
It’s like one of the We’ll get back to the show, but I just really want quickly want to say, I mean, think about human ingenuity, right? You see a mountain, you go, you know what’ be [ __ ] fun?
Fly down that thing. Well, you can’t fly down it, so you got to put things. It’s like so fun. You’re like, you’re going down a mountain on skis. It’s like the coolest thing. And you’re not cold cuz you have all the jackets and stuff.
We’ll go.
>> Okay. All right. Let’s get to THE PREFERENCE.
Heather Gay, Lisa Barlo, Meredith Marks, and Mary Crosby [snorts] are coming aboard this vessel.
>> Women of luxury and class.
>> Uh Daisy’s not going to lie. She’s a bit anxious about this. Now, the thing that made me the most anxious was the Aqua Banana.
Okay, if I was a deck hand, I wouldn’t mind the ropes.
I wouldn’t mind the chains. Okay, the chains scare me cuz I’m worried about my finger getting ripped off, but I’d get over it. Okay, all that cool stuff.
That’s That’s cool stuff. The second you tell me that I have to unbox and inflate and put together this [ __ ] nightmarish uh pergola in the water, I’m out. I’m not doing that. That’s the my least favorite thing.
>> It looks cool.
>> It does look cool, but I mean it’s not worth a headache to put it together. I mean, these poor [ __ ] deck hands. So, we get to Joe. Uh she is Canadian and she likes warm stuff, too.
>> Mhm.
>> Little C red history with her.
>> Oh, we did. I felt like they the producers once again once I have a good season where I’m having some fun off mics later, I understand now why I got a little [ __ ] from a particular cast member last season. Yesesh. sideways.
Seat history. Oh, really?
>> Yeah. We’ll get to that later. Anyway, producers, they uh >> producers they realize I’m having a good season with cradle away from me like like Charlie Brown with Lucy with the football.
>> Yeah. It’s a very It’s a very It’s a long dance you do with the production of really any reality TV show that we cover. So what happens is we’ll they’ll film a season a year before we recap it.
Then we’ll recap the entire season. They implement the changes that you will not see for another year, right?
>> You know, um but you do have this weird kind of dance with one another. I I actually think it’s quite beautiful.
>> It is.
>> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> I can’t I can’t just always be going at 100 miles an hour, I guess.
>> No one can.
Anyway, Joe said she’d been I guess uh had some small petty crimes or something. So, we’re just scratching the surface here. I hope she comes back.
We’ll see.
>> Think Think about the people that really did go 100%. You know, >> they’re not with us any longer.
>> No, no, no. Those are the people flying in those uh those squirrel suits.
>> Yes. Yes.
>> It’s weird because if you’re hanging out with that dude like you’re one of his buddies and then you go see like the Avatar movie, he’s like, “Wow, that was really good.” And I’m like, “Yeah, it’s too bad you’re not going to see the next one.” >> Right. And his name is like Jensen something Swedish, right? And so those people, they go 100% and what happens is they die. Um Bonnie and Clyde went 100%.
They got shot to smitherines.
>> You know, John Dillinger, Thelma and Louise. Um who else? Uh >> bunch of rock climbers.
>> Yeah. Alex Honold, by the way. Did you see that thing?
>> What?
>> What the the scaling of the building on the Netflix?
>> Uh uh that’s where you were supposed to watch it live cuz you could actually see a human being die in front of your eyes.
Wow. What great TV.
>> Yeah. Yeah. We’re there, man.
>> Oh, 100%. And uh you know, it’s um it’s cool. I mean, he’s really talented young man. [laughter] >> So, uh yeah. Seat history as she made fake IDs. The ADR is already really really really bad. Um that we have this whole moment where Daisy is fully ADRD giving the second stew to Jenna. Uh not a totally important um moment in the show, but usually we see it. This is just complete sausage factory stuff.
>> Yeah. Uh, did you enjoy when the crew is prepping the boat and Mike gets to know Jenna? They’re making the bed with each other and he’s like, “So, >> what kind of guy are you into?” And she’s like, “Not a filthy [ __ ] seat.” Uh, ridiculous hair.
>> Okay. Well, it’s so crazy. I’m not sure what’s going on in uh in England with the young men because Mike is a handsome guy, right? But he’s he’s he looks like a he looks like a a bit of a a [ __ ] doll. [laughter] There’s there’s the I think >> it went through a wind tunnel.
>> Well, they’re doing like people are doing Botox and like lip filler and stuff like that and I’m just like what what I I just didn’t I I don’t get it.
I’m too old. I don’t I don’t think this SNL is that good. You know what I mean?
[snorts] >> Yeah. I That’s what happens. You You start thinking SNL sucks. That you’ve hit the uh your old >> I have a I have a kink in my neck. I’m excited about getting a PO. Okay. I’m old.
>> Uh-huh.
>> I cannot tell you how excited I am to make these appointments. I’m so excited.
It’s crazy. I’m going to go to a physical therapist cuz I keep kinking my neck.
>> Uhhuh.
>> I’m going to go I’m going to get a physical. I haven’t had a physical in a while. I’m probably going to get my [ __ ] looked at because of what Chad Wick Boseman had to go through. You know, younger and younger men are dying of colon cancer every day.
>> Uh so I’m going to I’m going to get therapy. I mean, I’m going to do everything. I I was uh on a phone call with my money manager today and we’re talking about my positions. I’m looking at all these wavelines. Yeah, I’m old.
>> Yeah, I got to say it’s kind of great.
Okay, so Asia and Ben are getting on. Um no, Alicia and Ben are getting on and she says, “What if I’m not good enough?” And he says, “You’re passionate about cooking. It’s fine.” Um we get to Eddie with the mustache. He was a late bloomer. And it turns out a bouquet of rugby dick helped him get over um or overcome his body image issues. And I I say however you get over these things, just get over it and feel proud. Go for it.
>> Uh by the way, I’m sorry I I lost my thought process for a second there. Um did we already get to the point where Mike and Eddie are have a little pow over which co-orker they’d like to bang?
>> Uh no.
>> Oh, okay. Because that is a custom. It’s like uh the holy communion at church, but way more important.
>> Yeah. Kind of not though, right?
>> It’s Well, >> you’re saying it’s a serat sacrament.
>> Well, yeah. Like it’s like eating Jesus, >> right? Okay, got it. Uh, next morning.
>> Next morning, >> uh, Jenna’s starting off with quite a bossy tone.
>> Oh, wait a minute. Sorry. We We do get some crat history from Eddie that I can mind a little.
>> That’s what I said that he got a bouquet of rugby dicks and it made him feel better about his own dick.
>> Oh, sorry. Yeah. Where’ you go?
>> Well, I had a couple notes here cuz I was like, where’s the story? Dad drank too much. I was born with three toes and my body was weird looking.
>> Yeah. No, none of that.
>> Just >> Well, that would have been a story.
>> Yeah. But, you know, I mean, all men have gone through that, you know. I’m I mean, I certainly did. You You get in the locker room and you have these 13-year-olds that have these sevenin penises and you’re just like, “What kind of [ __ ] monster island am I walking into right now? I have a cute tiny little penis and I feel horrible about it, you know?” >> Yeah.
>> It’s tough. It’s tough.
>> It’s really tough.
>> It’s tough.
>> So, uh, next morning, >> next morning, >> Jenna is bossy, >> but the ladies are on their way and we get to Alicia trying to cook eggs, a frittata in a stainless steel pan. One of my biggest pet peeves in life generally is not only the stainless steel pan, which I loathe immensely, um, but the collective culinary cultural gaslighting around this kind of cookery.
Okay. Um, there are some of the worst things you could possibly have in a kitchen. People swear by them. The reason this took place that she burnt the bottom of the frittata is because stainless steel [ __ ] sucks. And in order to not have the eggs just stick and [ __ ] you have to rip them off and the whole thing’s ruined is to turn the pan up to the sun’s temperature in order so that things don’t stick. If you cook meat, it just gets you know you know what I hate having to use barkeepers helper to clean pots and pans. You don’t want to do that, right? You You want nonstick? I’d rather die of cancer when I’m older than use stainless steel for the rest of my life.
>> So, Dylan, are you saying that this may have not been Alisia’s fault?
>> It’s her fault for not knowing that that dish could not be executed in that kind of pain.
>> Second question, does and I like Alicia.
I’m busting her balls a little bit here.
Um, does she make it through the season?
>> No.
>> I don’t see a world where that takes place either. I’m sorry to say that. And and we should also say uh Ben didn’t do that much better. He put it in a non-stick that was way too deep and then it ripped the bottom out and he tried to play it off like nothing bad happened and then flipped the frittata, you know, bottom down so you can’t see the the goring that took place beneath.
>> Yeah.
>> By the way, can I cut to a meanwhile here? Of course.
>> Meanwhile, Captain Hot Pants takes a phone call from uh Heather Gay, which is one of those uh classy ladies from Salt Lake City that we were talking about.
>> Yeah. Yeah.
>> And she says, “Hey, we’re on our way and I hope you don’t mind. I lied to TMZ and told him that you sat on my face and we messed around a little bit.” >> Yeah. Yeah.
>> Kai.
>> Yeah. Uh, not even I sat on your face.
You sat on my face.
>> He’s a giant guy.
So, um, [laughter] just backtracking a little bit, after the frittata is massacred by Alicia, she begins to get pretty tearyeyed and she’s losing confidence. And then she touches a plate [snorts] and it’s too hot and she starts to cry and she leaves the galley. And this is mom. This is ski. You know, this is not the plate.
This reminds me of that time I was going to make out with this girl named Hannah and I put my hand on the uh the little HVAC thing in the backyard. It wasn’t hot, but I said I burnt my hand. I had to go. I was just too scared to kiss a lady.
>> Wow.
>> I was way too scared.
The plates weren’t that hot. This is mom. This is ski.
>> Wow.
>> Yeah, I know. Because Ben touches them. He’s like, they’re not that bad. Okay, so um Jason, the ladies get there and um as we get a call that they’re on their way, Joe gets a call. Grandpa’s dead.
>> No.
>> Or he’s dying.
>> He’s one step closer to knowing. He’s one step closer to >> Unless he did something really bad uh in his life that we don’t know about, which is possible. Then he’s not going to heaven. He’s going to hell.
>> Yeah. Oh, for sure. If you do like really bad [ __ ] you’ll go to hell.
>> That’s right. And everybody knows that.
>> Like Kayn Kalin’s going to heaven.
>> Can I say this? I love people that have great relationships with them.
>> Can you acknowledge that Kalin’s going to heaven?
>> Oh, yeah. He’s a nice guy. I don’t think he ever did anything bad.
>> Yeah. [laughter] Uh, I love because this has happened a couple times on reality TV where you see it’s usually a girl, by the way, their grandparents are ill and they’ll leave the reality TV show >> to go be with their grandparents. I didn’t have that kind of relationship.
So, I’m always in awe and I wish I have that kind of relationship because it’s like, wow, okay, you’re a good human being and they must have been good human beings cuz you’re, you know, your job.
There was some idiot on the real world like 10 years ago. his mother was dying and she’s about to die and he wouldn’t leave the real world.
>> Yeah. I mean, >> and then she died.
>> We have newspapers to deliver on camera, [laughter] >> you know.
>> Yeah. Yeah.
>> And so she died while he was doing a stupid show. So um that so this is an opportunity for all the barnacles out there to leave us five stars on Apple reviews. And uh in the comments, let us know, do you hate your family?
>> I think that’s a really really good idea.
Five stars. And do you love your family or hate your family?
>> Really good.
>> And uh and would you fly with your grandparents sick? Would you fly to go see them?
>> Yeah. [snorts] Okay. Five stars.
>> From Camo or wherever the [ __ ] they are.
That’s right.
>> All right. So, um cut to Lisa Barlo as this girl is like crying dealing with her grandpa. She goes, “This is going to be insane.” >> So, uh she’s going home and this was great TV, but a little [ __ ] up on production. like you don’t need to kill the grandpa to get the seat off. Like just, you know, I don’t know. Anyways, they’re getting dark. Uh Jason starts off with, as we mentioned when we covered this, the first thing he said to them was, “We’re going to get you wet.” Don’t do that.
>> [ __ ] gross. Uh so we do a little tour and we fight over beds and we find out that Whitney sleeps naked. Thoughts on sleeping naked?
>> Only after you have sex.
>> Okay.
Yeah, I’m good with that. I I always think like in terms of preparedness for for crisis, I just I don’t want to be naked.
>> You don’t How about Viko Mortonson when he was uh in that film uh >> Eastern Promises?
>> Yeah, man. You can fight better.
>> No, you can’t fight better. Um and >> you don’t want people grabbing onto your shirt. They can hold you down. What are they going to grab on to your wang?
>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. [laughter] >> Good luck with that. A glancing blow if you’re in jeans can be a glancing blow.
You can be protected if somebody if there’s a glancing blow with let’s say a butterfly knife or uh a throwing star. I don’t know what these criminals have.
You know, I don’t want to be fully >> a throwing star. What do you want? A 1980s movie.
>> Well, you don’t know what these criminals have.
>> And uh you know, >> he hit me in my ball with a throwing star. Jesus Christ, man. And some of these uh some of these modern criminals could be, you know, wising up to the fact that uh we have to go back to the more traditional ways of doing things.
And maybe shuriken is um you know, one of those one of those answers. But I think more along the lines of earthquake. I mean, what if people need help? You have to run outside with your cat and your baby and your disgusting ass and your balls are out for all of your neighbors to see. All of a sudden, the door falls. You can’t get inside again. And it’s just I so scary.
>> Ah, fair enough. I’m still in the emergency room with the doctor trying to pull a Chinese star out of my balls.
>> Right. Right. Right. Yeah. Yeah. So, anyways, so I’m so so sorry about this episode and how it really has made not one lick of sense the entire time pretty much. Um all right. So, um we get to guest lunch. Um he serves them some disgusting collection of Christini as a snack. It’s like Benny is my favorite.
I’m I’m so excited to get to Ben’s cooking because it’s so uninspired. It’s so underwhelmed. It’s uh it’s it’s so [ __ ] it’s like 2007, you know. Um but we’ll get there. So, we get to lunch. Ben and Alicia. Um I think that if she was in a better place, like I mentioned, the shit-talking might be okay. She’s so fragile. She’s so vulnerable. So, his shocking or his shitalking is just going to detonate her. But Britney starts to talk about her 30-day break from Jared. And Barlo, this is why Barlo is one of the greats.
She just says, “He doesn’t like you. He doesn’t like you.” And sometimes we need someone like that.
>> Is this when they decide that it’s a good idea to just uh douse her with water every time that uh I think this was fun. Uh because >> uh this is when she gets dowsed with water like that uh witch of the wicked west. Uh yeah, >> but she doesn’t die, she just gets more annoying.
>> You’re speaking of Alphaba.
>> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> Mhm. Um, so LeBron arrives in that outfit.
>> Oh, yeah. Caddyy Patty here. Sorry. Uh Oh, yeah. It It looks like a taxi threw up on a person.
>> Yeah. Oh, for sure.
>> Real eyesore.
>> Yeah. [snorts] So, the housewives just start to flip out.
Okay. They’ve got two stews and the housewives are going, “Can you unpack our bags? Did you get can you get Dr.
Pepper for me? Can you clean this puke?
I’m puking.” And then we get to lunch, which is chicken tenders, sliders, and curried lobster food.
>> Cur curried lobster salad. Now, um I’m I don’t spend a lot of the time in Utah, and by that I mean I’ve never been, but uh I would imagine that is it’s a bit of a culinary desert. Okay. Um sliders are not okay. Sliders are simply not okay.
>> [laughter] >> Okay. Chicken tenders are simply not okay. That’s okay at 11:30 if we had dinner at 7.
>> Oh, I thought you were going to say the bottom of the menu for the kids menu at >> Baba. That’s that’s it’s okay there.
Right. If you’re at Universal Studios and you’re sitting there with your family and you’re miserable and you’re seeing ice detained people in the middle of the theme park, you can get sliders and J [laughter] tenders or if you’re at a bowling alley, someplace more fun, but um not here. It’s like so nuts that you’re in this tropical place and you don’t start off the season with something like, I don’t know, a ceviche, some kind of leche dee, something light, a salad that’s seasonal, something uh we’re putting out [ __ ] hockey puck burgers and chicken tenders.
>> I think >> zero pots. Ben, >> thank you. All right, so Chef Adam and Chef Ben have a few things in common.
They were almost They started around the same time.
>> They both hate people, which I think is bad if you’re cooking for people.
>> Ben did this on purpose. He’s capable of way more.
>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
>> And I think he despises these people and he knew that they would accept this and he did as little as possible.
>> Yeah. It’s like a [ __ ] off kind of thing. So, um, we get to the fight about the source of Heather. This is more housewife stuff. We break all this stuff down at Patreon.
>> Yeah. Go listen to that. Hey, uh Alicia at some point says she can make a cheesecake. And the second she said, “I can make a cheesecake,” I immediately knew that that was impossible. Okay.
Now, now I’m not saying [laughter] I’m not saying that cheesecakes are the most difficult thing in the world. But, you know, a New York style requires a water bath. A Basque style doesn’t. But, it’s a delicate bake, you know. and Alicia can’t make a frittata right now. Now, frittatas are challenging in their own right. It’s a lot of egg. You know, you got to flip it. It’s it’s challenging, but I was just overcome with doubt the second she said, “I’ll make a cheesecake.” And it turns out that she did not include one of the most important things in a cheesecake, which is sugar.
[laughter] So, essentially what she did was she made a vat of >> cream cheese.
>> Sour cream. Yeah, some vaguely lactic cheese liquid with no sweetener. So, Ben is kind of flipping out here and going, I think we’ve got a big problem on our hands. I think that passion is a little too big of a word. But we get to dinner, which is barata salad with a pecorino tweel and some kind of tomato sauce on the bottom.
Now, this is we we go back to 2007, but it’s a little bit refined. Okay. I I’m good with a brulee bara. I’m good with a twe uh laid to top, but um you know, this is we didn’t see the rest of the dinner. We’ll talk about it in one second, but um if we’re just going off of appetizer, I mean, this is a 69 an appetizer as you possibly. I mean, this is this is Ashley Simpson album kind of appetizer.
>> Wow. We are 2007.
>> All right.
>> Is Where’s Cabrera sitting there?
>> Cabrera. This is a This is a Ryan Cabrera appetizer. Okay.
>> Spiky hair.
>> Wow.
>> I think Ashley Simpson was probably like 2003, 200.
>> Oh, no, no, no. I followed her career.
[laughter] >> 2007.
>> Did she? Really? Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. I loved the show. What was the show?
>> I forget, but it I watched both seasons.
>> Yeah, it was really good. I love that show. She was moving out.
>> Yeah.
>> You know, and getting a house up on Valley Glenn.
>> Yeah, man. She lived right over here on uh Archstone.
>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was really awesome.
So, um we have a problem. We wrap the episode with um Ben being really pissed off that he’s not getting time cues from the interior.
And what the interior is trying to communicate to this just queen of a man is that they can’t give them accurate information right now because the women are literally throwing glasswware at one another. Okay.
So [snorts] that that okay it’s it’s impossible to give you the information. We’ll we’ll feed them when we feed them and we’ll see where we go with the rest of this season. I mean, my gosh, what a way to kick things off, you know. I think it actually was better than 48 pots. I’m going to give this episode 81.
>> It was pretty entertaining.
>> Yeah, it was pretty entertaining. Get in the comments, let us know what you thought about the episode. Um, we love you guys. We’re ready for another brand new season of this show. And, uh, until next time, I’m Dylan saying goodbye.
Pat, say goodbye.
>> Later, D. Down tip.