Unabridged Fish Report 3/31! | Below Deck Clip | Watch What Crappens

And now it’s time for fish report. Fish report. Speaking of Oh my god, it’s a fish report.
>> Okay, so we start out with a octopus or squid. I don’t know what it is. It’s octopus.
>> And it’s doing one of those things where it’s got a front pony because it’s afraid it’s balding. So it’s putting all of its hair up to the front and just moving backwards slowly.
>> It’s kind of doing a trump. I’m not going to lie. It’s It’s but like a beautiful version. Like this is what this is what Trump was aspiring to is what this octopus is doing. This octopus is great. And the octopus is like, “Well, I could be camouflage right now.” But I’m really feeling red today. So I’ll only lightly turn blue as I go away. But [ __ ] I’m staying red. If I if if I get killed, at least I’ll be high fashion when I die.
And it looks very graceful, but it’s terrified of the cameras. It’s just backing away. Or is it going forward and it has eyes in the back of his head?
That’s classic octopus. Like octtopi are actually it’s octopuses. It’s actually not octopi. It’s octopuses. Um they love a misdirection. So they’re like, “Look at me. I’m going forward, but my tentacles are going backwards. So am I going backwards or am I going forward?
You That’s That’s one secret I’ll never tell. XOXO. Gossip octopus.
>> Do I have a huge nose or a huge head? I don’t know. Which side of me are you judging, loser? I’m gone. I’m an optical illuser. Am I still red? Am I still red?
Oh jeez. They can see me now.
>> I’m an optical illusion. Or as I like to call it, an octopal illusion. Thanks, guys. You ever see that? You ever see that drawing of like, is it an old woman or is it a young woman? Can’t tell.
That’s me. That’s me right now. Big nose, big butt. Hard to say.
>> All right, now we go to the cutest fish of the day. I mean, this fish is adorable. This is that little blue specked fish that’s staring right into the camera with like little human lips.
I kind of >> So cute. [laughter] >> Hello. It’s like, so I hear that there’s a little bit of a pageant for cute fish, and I like to throw my name into it cuz we had that puffer fish two weeks ago that was amazing. We had that shark last week where we thought its nostrils were its eyes, which looks so cute. And now we have this guy who’s like, “This one is so cute.” And I think the fact that it’s sort of on its side makes it even cuter.
>> It’s tilting. It’s doing It’s like the Sheena head tilt. It’s like my good side. Only at my good side. Like tilt.
>> It’s like taking a portrait at Sears.
It’s like, “Hi.” >> Yeah. for it.
>> Just tilt your head a little bit and leave your lips open because that’s how models do it. She’s like, >> “Yeah.” So, one thing that I’m working on is um I’m trying to show my good side more. And so, I’ve heard that if you just tilt and just lower one fin and raise another, it actually makes you look a bit more slender. So, hey.
>> Oh. Oh, so that was a good shot. Oh. Oh, good. Good. I’m glad you got the shot.
No, no, I can’t high five you. That’s It never works out. My hands are see-through. So, >> but this this fish also is like the equivalent of an influencer who like sees a pink wall or angel wings graffited onto the side of the building.
It’s like, “Oh my god, I got to take a picture with it.” Cuz it’s like, “Oh my god, >> take a picture of me buy this coral. It looks so good. I’m putting this on the gram. It’s going on the grid.” >> This is the cutest fish. Oh my gosh, goldfish. Basic tank.
>> No, these are just like wild goldfish.
And that’s why I what I really appreciate about them. And they’re just like they are basic, but there’s just something that they’re like, “You know what? It’s night time, but we’re going to put on like our nighttime best. Like, it’s dark, but we’re going to look lovely here.” >> But are they like, “No, no, they’re all in disarray. No one’s swimming in uniform. They’re just like going every which way. This is why you guys get captured and given away at fairs. Like, you have no organization amongst your group. They’re just like, “As long as you don’t catch me.” >> They’re like, “School’s out for summer.” Literally, we’re not in a school right now. Now we’re just an assemblage.
>> Every hour is 3:30 p.m. THEY’RE LIKE, “WE’RE DONE.” They’re just dropping pencils. We’re done. No school left. You are undisiplined.
So, I actually kind of like their chaos cuz I feel like we always see all these What always happens is we always see these school of fish. They’re all going one direction and there’s one that’s always going the wrong direction and we always make fun of them. But here, they’re just all like they’re just like all having like a crazy mosh, but they’re like at a street fair or something. They’re like, “Oh my god, did you see that? They have like um they’ve got they’ve got like adorable like truffle puffs over there. Truffle Puffs.
Really? Cuz they have like an amazing gelato stand over there. Really? Wait, which way should we go? I kind of like >> Yeah, but over there is the the water gun that you shoot into the balloons and then they explode. I’m playing that one.
They’re just all over the place. And then goldfish get lost and then some mother yells at the teacher and it’s like, “No, your your child is undisiplined and that’s why they’re lost.” >> This is how they die. This is how they die. They do get caught this way because Yeah. Yeah.
>> You look at this and you’re like, “Oh, you think you’re having fun now? You will all get flushed down toilets one day after being won in a in an affair.
This fish gorgeous. This is what we call a wallpaper fish. This is a goodlooking.
This is like reszo wallpaper.
>> Yeah, gorgeous. But also kind of dumb.
Like you can tell like this fish does not carry a good conversation. Look at its eyes. It’s like what?
>> It’s like you’re like, “Oh my god, did you see did you see Real Housewives last night?” Um, what’s that? You don’t know about the Real Housewives >> TV? I don’t have a TV.
>> I don’t I think it has a TV.
>> I think it has a TV, but it watches like Yes. reruns of Yes, Dear. It like watches like like old CBS sitcoms at one of those random stations that’s like channel 17, you know? I think it’s just like totally uninterested in pop culture.
>> It’s either literature or everybody loves Raymond for me. And it has a very long face, but no nose. It’s just like constantly looking down its nose at you.
It’s like, oh, the morals. The morals on anything else, I simply can’t suffer through them. But like wealthy and boring cuz like we love wealthy and fabulous but this is just wealthy and boring where they just have nothing interesting to say you know.
>> Yeah. It’s the same old Chanel you’ve been wearing for 30 years also. It’s all faded here.
>> Yeah. Yeah. It’s a stupid fish but pretty.
>> Yeah. Pretty. So now this is another eel thing, right?
>> Yeah. I think it’s it could be a sea snake. Quite frankly I can’t tell if it’s an eel or a sea snake. I’m not sure. But I will say tiny head on this one. It’s It’s very graceful the way it moves, but that I don’t know if it’s maybe the head is far away from the camera, but like that you know that you know this >> it’s embarrassing.
>> It’s like it’s like I’ll never be a celebrity. My head is just too disproportionately small.
[clears throat] >> And also I keep getting my um feet stuck at the door. So that was really embarrassing. God, I just can’t get out of a car without slamming it on my lower half of my body cuz it’s all flat down here on his butt. [laughter] And you know it hates like it has a real issue with t-shirts cuz it’s like well the thing is this I need to have a wide t-shirt to fit my body but my head is so small so the neck hole always just looks so gaping >> and it always wants to play paddle ball.
They’re like stop making your faults into a positive eel. It’s like no look I can hit it. I can hit it with my butt.
Okay. [gasps and laughter] >> Teeny tiny head. Why is this head so small?
>> It’s hilarious. Like hello.
>> Yeah. Like it’s not even supposed to have a head. 14 love. 14 love. I may have a small head, but I’m killing it in tennis. Bring it on, Gigi Fernandez. I’m not afraid of you.
>> Does it I hope everyone appreciates the gentle current I’m creating. So, for for all you for all you fish that are looking for some uh for some plankton, I’m helping you out. Thanks, but no thanks, I suppose.
>> Hey, uh did I hear there’s a wedding?
Let’s do the snake. Let’s do the snake.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
>> They’re like, “Oh god, there it is doing this dance move again.” And it’s like >> it’s like Kyle Richardson or splits.
It’s like, oh god, he’s doing the worm again. Here we go. We got it. You’ve got upper body strength. [laughter] >> Well, I’m very self-conscious about what I eat because everyone can see it.
>> Most terrifying stingray I’ve ever seen.
Is this a bat? Is it hairy?
>> This is a It looks hairy. It’s a I think this is actually a manta ray. This is big. And it’s so big that in the on honestly in the next shot of it, >> it looks like a behemoth. It looks like a fish.
>> That’s the same thing. I thought that was a different fish.
>> It looks like a monster back there. Look how huge it is. It’s like >> It looks like a whale and a ray. And look at that mouth. It looks like someone’s doing a puppet show. Is that his mouth or is that one of What is that? This thing’s terrifying.
>> Just wait. Just can you go forward a little bit so we can see some >> again more? Oh, he’s got a skull under him. He’s got the painting of a school on his underside. I would not [ __ ] with this one. Whoever is on the B-roll team is brave. Yeah, I think they’re docel though. I think they’re just >> That doesn’t look docel.
>> That I I do remember there was a news story about 15 years ago that you know sometimes these you know rays sometimes they will was it breaching or whatever they sometimes come jumping out of the water. They like to do that like to go jumping out. And there was a new story of one of these manta rays jumped out of the water just as a boat was approaching and it slammed into a woman on the on the deck of that boat and she died.
>> I think the ray died too. Isn’t that crazy?
>> So much for being docel.
>> I know.
>> Actually, this does look like a skull and bones on its underside, but it also looks like Beller >> on my dog, [laughter] oddly enough. Like it has a little right here.
>> It sort of looks like Africa.
>> That is one terrifying looking fish.
Okay, so let’s all clear our pallets by looking at this sweet turtle taking a nap with his friend the starfish.
>> Yeah.
>> Wow.
>> I love this unlikely couple.
>> Turtle. Starfish. What a duo, right?
>> This is so cute. It’s like a friend.
It’s like a dodo video where the dog hugs the cat.
>> I know. The turtle’s like, “Well, I hear that there’s a shark that’s been sleeping recently, and I think if the shark can sleep, I can sleep. Am I right?” Okay, starfish. They had a successful date. Everyone wants to be close to me because I’m a star.
>> All right. Love your dad joke. Love your dad joke. God, I just love spending time with you, starfish.
>> Which way do you think the starfish is pointing? Like, so, you know, I know that their faces are on the bottom, but like I like to think that like one of those legs is the face and then two of them are the hands and two of their feet, right? And so, if you think of it like the head is the one closest, that’s really cute. But I also like to think like it it gets cuter in every single scenario. Like no m whichever place you orient the head, [laughter] you get a different kind of cute look, if that makes sense. They’re like different cute scenarios for the starfish.
>> This is an adorable starfish, and I love its outfit. I mean, that’s really cool.
It’s like red and beaded.
>> Part of me it it is beautiful. Part of me wonders if the starfish really likes having the turtle nearby. I feel like the starfish is like, you know, I love the turtle, but the thing is that I like having my own space when I sleep.
>> The turtles mom is like, “Would you stop hanging out with people who literally can’t run away from you?” Okay, >> it doesn’t mean they want to be your friend. Starfish can’t move. Okay, what are you doing?
>> Like they’re gossiping. Like they’re gossiping before they fall asleep. And then the starfish is like just trying to fall asleep, but the turtle’s like, “And then here’s the other thing. So that one fish, it’s really cute, but it’s always like, “Take a picture of me in front of the coral. Take a picture of me in front of the coral.” It’s like, “I don’t want to take another picture of you in front of the coral.” In fact, that’s all that you have on your grid. Like, show some real personality. It’s not about backgrounds. The starfish is like, “I just want to go to sleep.” The starfish is like, “Oh, yeah. Well, did you hear about that manoray?” His brother ran into a boat. [ __ ] idiot. God, look at him up there. [laughter] Skull and Bones t-shirt. Nobody’s scared of you. Your family’s idiots, okay?
You’re all idiots.
It’s the end of the fish report. Fish report. This has been a fish report.